Pieces of 2004

Walking through the leaves, falling from the trees
Feeling like a stranger nobody sees
So many things that we never will undo
I know you're sorry, I'm sorry too
—Bob Dylan, “Mississippi”

I’m taking stock a little earlier than usual this year. God knows, 2004 calls for it. What a rollercoaster ride in almost every way — personal- ly, professionally, politically, you name it. Get it done now, before Christmas.

I pick up the pieces one by one, the stuff of my life in 2004. I look over each, remembering, deciding whether to keep it or toss it into that big, still lake behind me:

A longtime relationship, ended in February, but friends for life; that’s a keeper. Keep up those scholarly conquests, Mo. You're where you were meant to be.

A new cubbyhole of an apartment, on a street opposite a car dealership where car horns on new SUVs go off at the slightest provocation; I try to skip that piece off the surface of the lake, but it sinks without a bounce. Not nearly flat enough. Looks like I’m moving again in February.

A ukulele, purchased on ebay in June; a tiny keeper, my musical worry stone.

Weirdness at the local pub, partially of my own unwitting doing, which made me see rock bottom before I hit it and turn myself around; I rear back and throw that baseball-sized nugget like a shot-putter, letting go an earthy grunt. It hits the water hard, displacing its point of entry as it sinks fast, sending ripples across the surface of the lake. I will try to be more aware, to communicate more directly and to know when to say when, but not before. Soon all is still again.

My Christian roots; I haven’t looked at this piece in years but I never got rid of it either. It was one of those things that would always turn up when you least expected it. I blow on it, rub it on my shirtsleeve and drop it into the pocket containing my wallet and keys. This piece needs a home; or maybe it already has one. Something to look at and think about again.

Re-bonding with my dog Ilsa, after I’d loaned her to my ex for security and comfort. Actually this isn’t a piece at all; it’s Ilsa’s Kong. This belongs on the shelf beside her treats until our next morning walk.

Less time spent with my mother and sibs; I'll be seeing them this Christmas, with the exception of the West Coast gang, at home and merry in Oregon. I look the piece over with mixed feelings. I remember how our father used to gather the family on the stairs leading to the living room on Christmas mornings when I was a kid. Then he'd light the tree and lead us in a rendition of "Happy Birthday" to Jesus before giving us the green light to rip into our presents. Today the old homestead is but a ghost of itself, draftier and in need of work. But it's where my mother has chosen to stay. I'll set this piece down as a reminder next to my calendar for 2005.

Iraq, terrorism, the war against Islamofascism and my decision to support the President in a Bush-hostile town; this piece will go into the glass-paneled bookcase, alongside my Red Cross photo ID for the first anniversary observance of 9/11 at Ground Zero.

I think about what I’ll say to guests as they study it. I’ll tell them something along the lines of, “My choice for president became a no-brainer shortly after the Democratic convention. It wasn’t easy being openly supportive of President Bush on the streets of New York. Wearing my ‘W 2004’ cap, I was bombarded with epithets that would have irritated the Dalai Lama. Street vendors sold all kinds of Bush-bashing buttons. I asked one if he had any ‘W’ buttons without the slash, or perhaps some blank buttons and a few colored pens so I could make some of my own. He just looked at me and threw up his arms; a man’s gotta make a living.

“I’m glad I stood by our president, and ecstatic the majority of my countrymen did as well. The war against Islamofascism, and the efforts to bring democracy to parts of the world that are starved for it, remain the most important issues of our time. Christopher Hitchens duly noted, 'If Bush is remembered for kicking out the keystone of Arab rejectionism, in his first term, and then helps Palestinian statehood in his second, he'll be remembered as a historic president.' That, and a president who did more to foster future global stability than any US president since Ronald Reagan.”

That’ll play in Poughkeepsie. A few pieces left to consider.

Stress-releasing workouts at the gym; a keeper, one that’s also helped me to cut down on smoking.

A bottle of wine with weekend dinners; a keeper to be shared.

Working weekends and deciding to form my own business; the motivating keeper for 2005. Get ready, kiddo.

It’s a good thing I’m wearing cargo pants; lots of deep pockets. So it looks like 2004 hasn’t been such a bad year after all. It's been a rollercoaster ride all right, but more like riding the Cyclone at Coney Island with an old friend: scary, thrilling, bone-rattling and over too quickly.